I am turning something over in my head like a compost heap, trying to heat it up and aerate it so that it can be something productive instead of just a lump of matter sitting there in the corner of my mind(Sorry for the gardening simile, to those who don't garden). I told BH that I have in the past broken off friendships if I sensed that I liked someone a little too much, with the idea in mind to create distance between myself and that person and prevent myself from engaging in infidelity, and intend to do so (more better) in the future (This is something I would expect BH to do as well.) I figure, why bring yourself closer to temptation when you don't have to? Especially if you have a track record of cheating, and you don't exactly trust yourself anymore. To me, it seems like the proactive thing to do.
BH doesn't like that. From what I understand, he wants me to have friends, recognize if I feel an intimate connection or attraction to them and just... remain friends? He said he doesn't want me to want more with those people at all, because I'm content in my marriage... I feel like I half get what he's saying, but the other half of me is just like "...what?" I don't feel like I have any control whatsoever over whether or not I "catch feelings" for people at this point in my life (disconnecting platonic interactions and connections with romantic and sexual intimacy is one of my goals for IC, but I think that will take some time), and the only thing I do really have conscious control over is how closely I pay attention to my feelings, and how often I interact with someone I like when I recognize that I have beyond-platonic feelings for them. I was going to type "I don't think that my contentedness with my marriage has anything to do with whether I start to catch feelings," Which, for the most part is true, but I suppose in the past, my contentedness has correlated with whether or not I allowed things to go too far.
Our MC said that other people who are interested in me and looking for potential affairs can sense when there's any vulnerabilities in marriages, and target those individuals... I don't know how they do that. I never said a bad word about BH to my AP, nor complained about any marital issues. I think that would be useful to learn. The MC (who is a man himself) gave helpful examples of differences in tone of voice and word choice that might indicate to others that one is happily married vs simply married... I'm not one whose prone to particularly feminist lines of thought, but I just feel that it kind of really sucks that I have to police myself so heavily in order to avoid giving men "the wrong idea" when I already struggle so much with following social conventions and consciously regulating my body language and facial expressions (Thanks, AuDHD.) And like I know if other people are the pursuers and I am the one accepting or rejecting their advances, then it shouldn't really matter, but then again, I was able to rationalize at so many different points while the A was beginning that we were "just friends," and that nothing would come of our interactions, and go down that slippery slope that I really fear that happening again... And it feels awful to say that, because how is BH supposed to trust me if I don't even trust myself right now?
I gave him the analogy that right now I'm remaining vigilant for any slippery slopes, and should I find myself on less-than-solid ground, I intend to immediately deploy a metaphorical grappling hook and get myself the heck out of there, because I love him and value my marriage, and don't want extramarital relationships with anyone else. But he said he is afraid that if I have to cut off friendships to remain faithful, then he worries I will eventually become resentful of him. I don't think that's true at all, because in no way would I blame him for having to cut off friendships, that hasn't been the case when I've done it in the past, and I don't know why it would be the case if my marriage is where I want to be, and therefore a priority... I guess he's still struggling to believe that last part after everything that happened, which I can understand. I'm thinking that it'll probably just take time for him to accept these things that he struggles to believe right now, but certainly I don't like feeling powerless to help him with it. I am trying to be patient and focus on fixing my own issues in the meantime.
I know he and I probably need to discuss it ourselves, but I know it'll be another hour or two of waiting, and I kind of just wanted to get these thoughts out now. Maybe get some insights on them.
[This message edited by DayByDay96 at 1:55 AM, Friday, October 3rd]
