Triggered by School Bus Incident
Long story short, I accidentally passed a stopped school bus again. This is the second time this year. The first time I got a ticket from the bus cam, I was coming up a hill and around a bend, saw the bus with flashing yellow lights, and assumed the bus stop was at the corner with a stop sign, which I was going to overtake before the bus reached. Nope. Stopped at opposite corner, turned on its red lights while I was within 20 ft of it, and I didn't have time to process in order to slam on my breaks. H and I fought the ticket and eventually won on the technicality that the ticket was issued to him, but he wasn't the one driving. Huge hassle.
Earlier today, a bus joins traffic on a 4 lane highway (2 lanes going one direction, 2 lanes going the opposite direction), which briefly becomes a 5 lane highway when a short turning lane opens up. The bus changes lanes into the turning lane, and turns on its flashing yellow lights. I slow down and try to figure out where it's going to stop and if I have time to safely come to a stop without being rear-ended, or if it's better to pass while the lights are still yellow. None of the cars in front of me stop for the yellow lights. The bus gets towards the end of the turn lane at the corner of an intersection, on the other side of which the lane ceases to exist, and I assume that it's turning down a less busy, residential street. (Why wouldn't it be? Are you telling me it's safer to drop children off on the corner of a busy highway than a little ways down a side street, where the speed limit is likely, at most, 35 instead of 55? That it's better for the bus to try to maneuver back into the lane that goes through the intersection instead of turning down that street and turning around in the loop that's about 300 feet down the road from the intersection? Why TF did the bus stop in the turning lane of a highway??)... Anyway, I am not turning, so I assume the bus will stop after it turns and that it's safe to pass it while those yellow lights are still on. The bus slows like it's going to turn... But instead, when I'm about 10 ft away, it stops and throws on its red flashing lights. WTF?! I don't have time to react again, and I go past it. I wasn't even sure if that really happened, because it seemed so bizarre and unlucky, but thankfully I remembered to save my dash cam footage. So now I can replay the nonsensical incident over, and over, and over, and over...
I'm having a really hard time with this. I tried Googling if it was legal for busses to stop in turning lanes, but all that came up was very angry posts from bus drivers and parents and "friendly reminders as school starts back up..." pages from organizations all talking about the laws and penalties re: stopping for/passing stopped school busses, and how important it is to keep their precious cargo safe. Not what I was looking for... Several school bus drivers wrote that they typically come to a stop with their yellow lights on, wait until near passing traffic has passed or wave them on, and then put the red lights on, so that there was either no oncoming traffic when the kids got off the bus, or oncoming traffic was far enough away that there was plenty of time to stop. I'm trying to figure out why neither bus driver did that in my situation. This, and the location of the bus stop on this busy road when there are clearly better options, is making me think that this isn't about keeping children safe at all, but rather a cash grab scheme. I mean, when I was in school, my bus route took a whole hour because the stops and route were doing the absolute most to keep kids safe, and my house was only 7 miles from the school.
I ranted at my poor husband over this, and about how ineffective this system is. Everyone says "Well you slow down when you see yellow traffic lights, and then stop before it turns red. The bus is the same thing." But it's not the same at all, because a traffic light at an intersection is stationary, and there's a clearly demarcated line on the pavement that helps you judge if you have time to safely stop before you cross that line when the light is still yellow, or if it'll turn red before you get there. A bus is moving, either towards or away from you, and you don't know where or when the yellow lights will turn red. All you know is that if the yellow lights are on, the bus is stopping in less than 300 ft (150-300 ft, if you see them come on... still a pretty big range. Not exactly all that helpful.) "H was like, well clearly the solution is to come to a stop when you see the yellow lights come on." OH, IS IT NOW? Because I'm pretty sure that's not what he does, and that's not what the vast majority of other drivers on the road do, either. That's WHY there's fucking bus cams on the busses, stopping willy nilly wherever they please and popping their red lights on without a second thought, and charging massive fucking fines to those who pass them, accidentally or not. That's also what makes it DANGEROUS to stop when the yellow lights are on and there's other cars around you: it's not the thing that other drivers are expecting, and therefore they are more likely to wreck into you. My H was like, "Yes, but then it's not your fault. It's their responsibility to stop at the yellow lights and to avoid crashing into you." Oh, sure, like THAT makes it better. My safety and my LIFE don't matter, as long as the accident that compromises those things isn't my fault... And the kids crossing the 4 lane highway won't be hit by my car, at least! Just the other two lanes of traffic that the bus doesn't stop because there's a median! So it's all good!!!!1!!
He didn't understand the predicament and we were both getting frustrated. He suggested I go to the school board, as if they would actually do anything about it. I told him how difficult it was to watch a stop light and be aware of every car surrounding you and also the three different sets of lights (flashers, turn signals, and break lights) on a bus while trying to quickly assess the situation and make a decision. He asked me if I thought I should have a license. It also didn't help that he asked "Don't you feel any sort of personal responsibility over this? To not pass the bus?" Of course I fucking do. I am literally trying my best to not pass busses when it's safe to do so. It just doesn't seem to be working. It seems like I have remarkably unlucky timing, such that this could happen to me more than once, and it just doesn't happen to some people who also happen to think the system works just fine... Or, at least, those people haven't been traveling almost daily at the same time as the school busses since they became equipped with cameras, such that they never got caught passing a bus. Super easy to judge in that position, of course... I know I was triggered, and he knew I was triggered, and I know he was trying to help. But it wasn't helpful, and eventually I just told him to go away and leave me alone. He left to obsess and rage over the video and google maps and driving laws, and put our 4yo to bed without me.
This is not what I wanted to talk about in therapy tomorrow (I only have 45 minutes, ffs) but it looks like it's going to be the topic of the day. I can't even imagine what the latest IC can even tell me; I haven't told her all about my childhood trauma yet, so I don't think she'll be able to just guess why this makes me feel so unsafe and full of rage... I just want someone to see what it is I'm saying, and to tell me I'm not crazy and that the system really is fucked. I don't want to feel like those in power are being unfair and gaslighting me about it. I want to feel like there's some recourse, and some sort of order and justice to the world I live in. I feel like I'm a little girl again who's being abused by the people who are supposed to protect her, and being told that it's all her fault and if she just took some responsibility and cooperated, the punishment wouldn't be lavished like it was, and that she's kuckoo for suggesting that the ones meeting out the punishment have ulterior motives...
I don't feel safe, and I don't know how to comfort or protect myself. I am utterly alone with this and completely overwhelmed by the emotions flooding my brain.
3 comments posted: Tuesday, September 30th, 2025
PowerPoint-Level Crazy
BH and I had another long-awaited MC session a few days ago. Because we had tried again the night before to talk through the sticking point we were having and that ended with me fleeing the bedroom and spending a sleepless night on the couch because I was SO triggered by the argument that ensued… I came to the session with a PowerPoint presentation. It was very important to me to be able to lay out my thoughts in an organized manner, and I thought some diagrams and illustrations would help. (I know, I know. That’s some next level crazy bish type behavior. I am a crazy bish.)
While BH admitted to me afterwards that he completely tuned me out while I was "presenting," it felt really good to have the therapist validate most of what I was saying. There is a distinct difference between thoughts/beliefs and feelings, and I was able to describe accurately that (and where their overlap comes in. Praise Venn diagrams!). BH was sharing beliefs about my feelings, not his own feelings. BH is formulating short-term-self-protective beliefs that puts distance between us, which isn’t conducive to reconciling. Recognizing that thought pattern and interrupting it is what one does in CBT. The MC told him that it may be very difficult right now, but that’s part of "choosing" to try to trust me again while we’re rebuilding the relationship, and she recommended he explore other methods of therapy (like CBT) with his IC. (They opted not to do this at his last IC session.)
Overall it seemed like BH was still completely resistant to hearing me out, but I think enough of the presentation seeped into his subconscious that he rephrased some of my points and posited them as if they were his idea. I was pleased with this, of course, and let him think that they were. Progress is progress. I’ll take it!
Sort of unfortunately but also fortunately at the same time… We are no longer seeing that MC because she had very limited availability and also always seemed to be walking on a treadmill during our sessions, which was very distracting. We are starting with a new one tomorrow, so hopefully that one seems a bit more… committed to the gig, I guess. It’s very important to me that BH feels comfortable and satisfied with our MC.
I had my first session with my new IC today, and she seems much better informed re: the effects of infidelity on one’s psyche. And while she still tried to make some excuses for me (maybe in an effort to make me feel better about what I did?) I think I can gently discourage her from doing that. I don’t really want to feel "better" about what I did; I think there’s some preventative element there with preserving at least some of the shame surrounding my infidelity… It has been more helpful to think that I am no longer the same person who could do such a thing as cheat on and lie to the love of my life. I am re-constructing myself as a new, more honest person who is working through her trauma— though it for sure hasn’t been easy so far, and this will be an extensive project.
I think that’s about all I can do for BH for now, and he has his own healing to do. As he (re)phrased it, he is "promising to be the person I need him to be, as long as I promise to be the person he needs me to be."
3 comments posted: Wednesday, September 24th, 2025
Pulling Away
I feel stuck. BH and I have been talking a lot about the A, which I thought was supposed to help us move towards healing. Lately it just seems to upset him. I’ve been as transparent as I could be and communicative about my plans/whereabouts throughout the day. I’m trying to apologize frequently and where appropriate, listen to his feelings, answer his questions, give him a view of what was going on inside my head at the time, offer reassurance that it won’t happen again, that I want to be here with him and that our marriage can still be good, and show him that I’m working towards making fundamental changes to my character…
I don’t think he believes a lot of what I’m telling him, and I understand, partly, why: I’m no longer trustworthy and my actions contrast with what I say I feel towards him. But it also feels like something in his head is twisting things around, and I can’t reach him to encourage him to challenge those twisted thoughts.
For example, he really valued our ability to communicate well for all the years we’ve been married, but a big part of how this A came to pass was miscommunication about unmet needs (I was asking for things and not getting them because BH didn’t understand what I was asking for, and I started getting them from the AP while still trying to ask for them from BH, but BH sensed that there was an A going on and withdrew, and this made it more difficult for me to end the affair of my own accord because I believed BH was unable or unwilling to meet those needs and I was scared of going back to going without, all the while failing to understand why he was further withdrawing… It was a huge mess that resulted from a simple miscommunication.)
In his mind, this somehow means that all the years where we did communicate effectively are all null, and that his perception of them is inaccurate… But that’s just not true, is it? It’s extremely upsetting to me, and I’m trying to respond with compassion instead of frustration, but it’s difficult. I suggested he talk it over with his IC, but I worry the way he’ll present it to his IC will make it seem like that’s the truth and this will result in the IC not encouraging him to question the untrue thoughts, and then I’ll look like I’m being manipulative when I’m just trying to be comforting and helpful and to keep us moving in the right direction…
I know it’s going to take a lot of time for him to process this and for us to recover from it, and that we’re only 2 months out from D-Day…It just seems like nothing is helping him actually feel better, and that our progress is stalling. I feel like initially we came closer together, but now we are starting to drift apart again— or at least, he is drifting away from me. I know I’m supposed to let go of the outcome, but my anxiety that he’ll leave me is through the roof, and I’m feeling the urge to distance myself emotionally to lessen the pain if that happens… I know that’s not the right thing to do, but it’s really hard not to.
Everything just hurts.
43 comments posted: Thursday, September 18th, 2025
New IC made concerning comments re: A
This was my second appointment with my IC from BetterHelp, and I’m wondering if she’s going to be any help to me at all. Today I explained the A I had and the situation BH and I are in presently, a couple months post D-Day. I got done describing what happened and she said "Oh, I see… So you never actually had sex with your AP?" And I was like, "Well no, but I intended to, and I definitely had an EA, and it’s been incredibly hard on my H…" (Edited for clarity: something about the way she said it made me think she was looking to minimize the infidelity as not a "real" affair because it was discovered before the intended extramarital sex was had.)
And she also asked multiple times whether my H has "forgiven" me. I explained to her that this has been devastating for him, and I expect it will likely take years before he feels anything close to forgiveness, even if he wanted to forgive me today, but we’re trying to work towards it. It felt wrong to have to do that; I felt like the counselor instead of the one being counseled. But I guess not every IC is trained in or experienced with infidelity recovery.
I’m wondering if I wait another week and give her another chance to help me with my issues, or if I should request to change ICs.
9 comments posted: Monday, September 15th, 2025
Struggling to fix the “whys”
Currently listening to "Not Just Friends" on Audible, and chewing on some of the posts from here. One refrain seems to stand out to me: you are meant to do the inner work so that you can meet all of your own "needs," such that you are prone to seeking an AP to meet them, or "displacing" those needs into your BS.
But what if one of those needs is social interaction? I could talk to myself, sure, but that’s not satisfying in any meaningful way. (Also other people would think I am crazy.)
One of my "whys" for this affair is that I have zero adults to talk to during the day outside of my BH, and exAP provided that. In my head, conversation leads to connection/companionship, and connection/companionship leads to romantic intimacy, and romantic intimacy leads to sexual intimacy…and so it was a slippery slope of rationalizations and boundary-breaking from the point where we were just talking as just friends to having a full blown A.
I know my husband is not meant to meet all of my social needs. I know that I need to make some friends. I am not sure how to disentangle good, quality friendship from romantic intimacy, after several years of the only real friendship I’ve experienced coming from BH. In the past, I have had to cut off friendships after I felt that I had started liking that friend a little too much, and it is my plan to continue doing that (and doing it "more better!" as people in my profession like to say) going forward as a means of preventing any further infidelity.
But of course, it’s painful to cease interactions with people you really like. I’m afraid of having to do that again. And I think it would probably be a *safer* bet to make female friends— it’s just not entirely safe because I am bisexual (possibly biromantic, though I haven’t explored romantic relationships with women to be able to say with any certainty, and obviously it’s too late in my life for that.) I also really struggle with connecting with other women; I suspect my on-the-spectrum-ness makes it hard for me to understand the more complicated set of social rules women follow. With men, it just seems so much simpler— until they want more with me, and then it’s game over again.
I have considered trying to make friends with other married people, though "Not Just Friends" is leading me to believe they are not really much safer options, given the prevalence of infidelity, either. It would be really nice to have friends that are both mine and BH’s… but that’s also a bit complicated because of our age gap. It’s hard to find people who would want to be friends with both a 28 yo and a 53 yo. (Other age-gapped couples would be an option, but… how do we find them, other than swinger sites, which obviously comes with a unique set of risks?)
And if we do manage to make mutual friends (maybe other parents, through kid-oriented activities?) Can we make the time to all hang out together? I feel like we really only get to spend quality time together as a family on the weekends, as BH often works late into the evenings. The rare times that we get a babysitter, I think we are desperate for time alone as a couple... Can we fit socializing with other couples/families into our lives right now? Similarly, is it possible for me to make time for non-mutual friends when my only child-free time is three weekdays, from like 8 am - 5 pm, when most people my age are working? (And maybe when I should be tending to my responsibilities as home too?)
I just don’t know. I feel stuck and afraid, and still so lonely. Am I doomed to feel like this forever? I want to rip my own heart out so I don’t have to feel anything at all, at this point. I’m so tired
2 comments posted: Wednesday, September 10th, 2025
Regretting having been the OW
I don’t know how this will be received, but I want to talk about it anyway.
When I was much younger (17-19 years old) I had a lot of relationships with older, married men. I didn’t feel bad about it at the time; I rationalized that it wasn’t me who was obligated to remain faithful to anyone else. I thought that if someone’s husband was looking outside, there were obviously problems inside the marriage, and they weren’t my problems. That if I didn’t have relations with them, surely someone else would, so why refrain?
It wasn’t until much later that I changed my mind about it during a debate on social media. Obviously it’s very wrong to be complicit in someone’s efforts to betray their spouse in such a horrific way, and that we owe it to fellow human beings to do our individual parts in preventing infidelity, through saying "no." Sure, unrealistic to expect every potential AP will also say "no," but to be the one who does enable the infidelity is a moral failing.
One of the men for whom I was the OW has been emailing me periodically for the last 10 years, which I found out when I recovered that old email address. I hadn’t responded to him, as I’m married now myself, but back in April I did respond with "It’s been 9 years," as in like… "Why are you still trying?" But he didn’t seem to take it like that, as yesterday he replied "It’s been 10 years actually! Life goes by so quickly… how are you doing?"
I considered not responding, but in light of my current situation with my own recent infidelity, I decided to anyway. I told him, "I am married with children now. Please stop contacting me.
What we did to your wife and child was not okay. It’s one of the most horrible things you could do to a person and I deeply regret being complicit in that." (And then I went and shared the interaction with BH for transparency purposes, of course.)
I don’t know whether he’s still married to his BW today, though it’s really hard to imagine her staying married to him after finding out he was having sex with a high schooler downstairs on the couch while she and their disabled child were asleep right above us, or that he’d given her a (thankfully curable) STD after we’d had a threesome with another young woman. I don’t think I care whether he is still married or not; if he’s still reaching out, it’s hard to imagine he has any remorse for what he’s done. I thought someone ought to tell him he should.
But at the same time that I feel so angry for that poor woman we hurt, my shame about my own character has compounded. I have barely been functional today for all the sadness and anxiety and disgust with myself that I’ve felt. My BH has been so wonderfully supportive (Thank you. I know you’re reading this), but it makes me feel worse at the same time because I know he is hurting, probably a lot worse than I am, and that I’m supposed to be the supportive one for him. It just feels like I can’t stop being selfish and making it about me, and I hate it so much. (I’m so sorry, my love)
I need to figure out how to get it together somehow. This can’t go on.
10 comments posted: Wednesday, September 10th, 2025
Thought Dump
I have a lot of thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head. It’s easier to not be alone with them, so I figured I’d write them out here. Maybe you guys could help me make sense of them.
It’s been almost two months since D-Day, which is strange. During my affair, it felt like time was going by so much faster than it actually was; it felt like it lasted months, when it was really only 4-6 weeks. Now it feels like time has slowed down: it seems like it’s only been two weeks, at most, since BH found out about everything. Maybe that’s a good thing, if it’s going to take years and years to recover from this.
The love I feel for my BH since then feels different: deeper, but also more desperate. I know if he needs to leave me for any amount of time (including… I don’t even want to say it, but forever) in order to heal, then I need to let him go. It’s still so terrifying to me to think about. When we are lying together in bed or on the couch, I feel like I can’t get physically close enough to him, and that I can’t squeeze him tight enough. I find myself waking up from nightmares and checking to see if he’s there a couple times each night. (He’s often awake too.) I’m savoring each kiss goodbye when he leaves for… well, anywhere I’m not going with him, like it might be the last. I’ve always had anxiety that my family members will get into car crashes or freak accidents or go missing when they go out, but now it feels 10x worse because I imagine him deciding to exit my life voluntarily too. And I know it’s all my fault, too.
I literally can’t even imagine what my life would look like without him in it.
He has brought that up as a problem a few times. I think (and I could be misinterpreting this; I need to talk with him about it) that he wants me to be able to do that, to know what all the other alternate universes look like where I didn’t meet him at 19 and get married to him at 23 and have our child at 24 and be where we are at 28, and still choose this reality with him. It doesn’t feel fair, because how am I supposed to know? My life has always been filled with twists and turns, usually taking me places I love ending up in. I feel so freaking grateful for it all the time. It feels like God wrote this wonderful plot for my life and that it’s going exactly how it’s meant to, all according to plan. I am genuinely happy to be where I am, with him and our family and our home, even if our marriage is in a rough place right now. But he worries that he’s arrested my personal development, I think, because of our age gap, and that I’ve never had a chance to "find myself." Meanwhile, I feel like I continue to find a little bit more of myself each and every day, especially while we try to recover from my infidelity.
I’m trying IC again. I have my first session scheduled for Friday. I’m nervous about it. Every time I meet up with a new therapist, I hope so much that they’ll be the "right" one for me. There’s been a lot of disappointment and "break ups" with therapists, and I fear that happening again (and again and again…) I’m still trying to go in with an open mind, but it is difficult. I want to heal from my own shit, too.
I thought I was completely over exAP, with whom I’ve gone NC. But I listened to country music for the first time since D-Day (I hadn’t even realized I’d stopped) because I had "Carrying Your Love with Me" by George Strait stuck in my head, and I immediately started missing AP. (He’s from the south.) I felt so sad and also so disgusted and confused by the sadness. How can I love BH so damned much, and still be pining after this other person? I have thought, "Maybe I am polyamorous. Maybe, if I weren’t committed to a (mostly?) monogamous marriage with BH, that these feelings for exAP would just be additional feelings; maybe love is not a finite resource, and having it for more than one person doesn’t diminish the love I still have to give it in any amount."
But then I remembered being hypersensitive to all of the weaknesses in my marriage and falling prey to comparison between the idealized version of exAP I had in my head and the excitement of a shiny, new relationship, to BH (who is a much better man and partner to me than exAP ever would have been) and our decade-old relationship. It’s not a good thing. I am trying to focus on all the negatives about exAP and the poor ways he treated me. All the lies I suspected him of telling. The awful rollercoaster of emotions he put me through, and the immorality of his pursuit of a married woman. The disrespect of trying to contact me again despite telling him we were through, that I’d hurt BH more than I could have ever imagined, and that I am choosing my marriage…
Last night BH called me into his office and showed me a couple who had messaged us on a swinger website. I felt confused, and a little worried. I know we are both interested in looking for friends for the both of us, and that I feel fine with him being sexually involved with other women (maybe excited even ?), but generally the expectation with swinging is that I would be involved with the male half of this other couple. I don’t really feel one way or the other about it— I certainly don’t actively desire that or feel the need to sleep with other men at this point in my life— but I worry it could be triggering for BH… I guess we need to have a conversation about it. Or, maybe I am getting ahead of myself; maybe they would just be friends. Who knows.
Well, I’ve gone and written a whole book. Thanks for reading, if you’ve made it this far!
2 comments posted: Monday, September 8th, 2025
