SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want to thank all of you for your responses. It really helped me to get your viewpoints and kind support. Bluerthanblue, we divorced in September after I played the pick me dance for six months I think this is what really destroyed me the way he treated me in those six months. He moved out with his friend, but I’m sure he saw her every chance he could, and then once her divorce was final and her ex-husband moved out, he moved right in! He wanted to see if it would work out with her if you can believe that. I let this happen because I truly did not want to be divorced. I wanted to work on our marriage. Due to my age. He decided she live more his lifestyle and he wanted to be with her. He said he didn’t have (those feelings) for me. I Moved out bought a condo with my settlement. Last text was in November. Haven’t heard from him since he told me he would help me out anyway he could, but I never heard from him again. And I have not tried to find out anything about him. I think it’s best that way it’s too painful for me. I mean I’d like to know what’s going on and hoping that their relationship has failed already but bottom line is he’s not with me he hasn’t contacted me.

Having no contract or knowledge about him is a blessing in disguise.

So he’s known the OW for only a short period of time (less than 2 years maybe?). 🚩🚩

I’m not proud of this but I had a relative who married multiple times. Very beautiful but a nightmare to live with. Drank. Lied. Cheated etc.

Divorced one husband and found the next one. Stupidly men fell for her charm and beauty and lies. Her entire life.

Sounds like what your XH stepped into. And having watched this for decades it’s not going to be a bed of roses for him. Look how quickly she dumped her H b/c she found the "new love of her life".

Your XH isn’t special to her, he was just the next victim.

Your XH was stupidly cruel to you and chased after a mirage.

Please don’t let his bad choices define you. You need to heal yourself and choose joy and happiness.

I have a really stupid thing I do every day. I look for the laugh. Was it something at the gym or text from a friend or something a random stranger says or did? I talk to the cashier or people waiting in line etc.

If I get one laugh each day i consider it a success. During my H’s affair 13 years ago where he was kicking me to the curb for the much younger OW — there were no laughs at all. But after 3 years of healing myself I decided I’m not going to be unhappy anymore and I decided to mix it up.

My friend who struggled with cancer for 10 years was the one person I saw doing this. She always looked for the good in her day. And I swear a chocolate chip cookie can help!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:25 PM, Saturday, July 11th]

Thanks for taking the time to write about my situation. This woman joined our church, join the usher ministry, which my husband was head of. I didn’t think much of it. There’s other women in the ministry too. He would talk to her a lot and I was a little suspicious, but I trusted him immensely . He was a very good man. This is why I don’t understand what happened. It’s like he turned into a monster. She’s a black widow spider. She was on her fifth husband. She was telling him that they weren’t getting along they were only married six years! he told me that. I asked him to please not to talk to her so much, but I guess he never listened to me. Anyway they were carrying on an affair for two years behind my back in that church every week I would see her and never knew! That was like a gut punch to me. I was blindsided. He said after he retired he realized we didn’t have much in common anymore and I wasn’t fun !!

I guess I just want the Hallmark movie. I want him to walk in the door. Tell me he was so sorry. He made a terrible mistake. He wants me and our marriage back. I know as each day goes by. It’s less and less something that will happen. And he has much much too much pride to ever admit, he made a mistake. He’s a coward. He acted like a total coward through the whole thing running away from me never allowing me to talk about anything. He’s disappeared from our friends lives as well as our doctors that we had together our hairdresser, etc. he lives with her in another county not far from me, but I haven’t heard from him at all. Of course I’m heartbroken after 35 years and not having any family to really help me. I do see counselors but they’re not really helping me. I’m just stuck, I’m just stuck in this painful loop. And you’re right it’s time to start looking for the happiness around me. And chocolate chip cookies really do help! Ha !

Very gently, SI's rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover from being betrayed. You've suffered a giant loss. I understand that you feel stuck. Are you? Or are you in the process of mourning? As awful as you feel, could this not be normal?

Better times may be coming.

(((Betrayed at 70))) - a hug, if a virtual hug from an anonymous brother would help

My DDAY came after 25 years, so I get the pain of losing a long term relationship. It’s tough.

So how do you heal? Keep up with the therapy. But to get out of a rut, one thing I recommend it to say "yes" to everything, and tell your friends you want to do things, even if they are not something you normally would do.

Bowling? Sure.
Volunteer at a local fair or charity event? You bet.
Read to dogs at the shelter? Absolutely.
Learn how to knit with a group at the library? Why not? Just get out.
Zumba or Pilates at the rec center? Give it a try.
Meditation practice? Sounds interesting.

You may find stuff you enjoy. You will engage with lots of new people and create new experiences and get some positive hormones flowing. You will create new neural pathways in your brain and that stops some of the rehashing and wallowing that our brains like to do. You will have things to look forward to, to anticipate. Some will be duds, but that’s okay. Even just changing your routine a little can help - check out a new park for your daily walk or commit to a new recipe every week. It may seem slow at first, but so much of what you miss with your XWS is HABIT. Just the comfort of habit. So you need to fill those habits with other things. It’s the comfy old slipper analogy. Sure they were comfy and reliable. But maybe you really need a shoe with more arch support or something and just don’t know it. And when you find that new pair, WOW. Your feet never knew they could be so happy. ( I may or may not be talking about how I felt when I tried the ugly Hoka sneakers and realized my desire for cute shoes was not serving me well, even though I am known for my extensive and eclectic selection of shoes…).

Rebuilding our lives means filling those gaps left from our WS with something more healthy. ANd don’t pigeon hole what they can be. Be curious, and get busy.

And remember what Maya Angelou asked us " Tell me, what is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" .

At 3 months from dday2 I was hanging on by a thread. At 6 months out I was functioning day to day but still very unhappy with the situation.

At 1 year from dday2 I was better but not close to being healed though if you met me you would not have known.

I feel like I was fully healed at 3 years out. Happy most days and moving forward.

And FYI my H was doing everything right to help us reconcile.