Being there for WS... I just can't

Me and WS have been together for 2 years, and have a 8 month old together. In February this year he started an affair with a work colleague, when our baby was just 6 weeks old. My dad was diagnosed unexpectedly with terminal cancer and died 7 weeks later. On the night of the day he died, WS went with AP on a night out and slept with her in a hotel room. I needed him so badly as my world had just fell in on itself, instead I drove 4 hours to a hotel with our baby just so I wasn't on my own. He wasn't there in the coming weeks for me, he was off with her all the time. Causing arguments so he could go and be with her. Leaving me alone with our newborn so he could see her. Sleeping with her in her car in my dad's t designer t shirts. I asked him to come back early from his night out so I could take my mom to the funeral directors to see my dad at 11am. H didn't arrive home until 3pm. It's a pain which still haunts me. DD was 2 days before my dad's funeral. I haven't been the same since I found out. I don't laugh or go out the house anymore. I went to my dad's funeral alone, and he started mediation proceedings against me for our 2 month old as he wanted 50/50. He showed no remorse, was very cold and it made the whole thing worse. He chased after her but after she found out about me and didn't want him back, he came back to me. I had him back as I didn't want to split my baby due to having awful separation anxiety. I developed PTSD that I'm receiving counselling for, and the affair is on my mind all day everyday.

6 months later, he's a changed man. His attitude has changed and he's been in tears many of times apologising. He doesn't go out anymore (his choice as he recognises it makes me anxious, not something I agree with as I want us to have our own lives but it's his decision) calls me on every lunch break, and is committed to trying to make our relationship work.

However his nan sadly passed away a few weeks ago very suddenly, which has crushed his world. This has selfishly bought up a lot of feelings from my own dad's passing. Whenever he cries on me, is being there for his family, being the person I needed him to be for them... it hurts so much. I'm desperately trying to be the person for him that I needed but it's bringing up so much anger in me. I feel like an awful partner as I just can't be there for him, and so selfish. This isn't about me at all - he's asked me to come to the funeral to support him, however I'm really struggling with it due to my own selfish reasons because he wasn't there for me and put me through hell when I needed him most.

I feel like such a cow writing this. I'm once again sat sobbing wishing I could be better for him. I never got to mourn my dad because of all of the crap he was doing, I had nobody. We have so many ups in our relationship but this has just torn me apart. I'm starting to wonder if this is fixable because I have so much anger, and his nan passing away has just made me realise how bad those feelings are still there.

7 comments posted: Wednesday, October 1st, 2025

ptsd - triggers

I seem to only post on here when things are bad.

Very short background. OH had an affair that lasted a few weeks with a work colleague. We had a 2 month old at the time, my dad was diagnosed with unexpected Stage 4 cancer and died 6 weeks later, and he went and slept with her on a night out in a prebooked hotel the night of the day he died. He went chasing after her when I found out and treated me horribly. She rejected him as she found out about me, and he came crawling back.

Triggers are getting worse. He's full of remorse and really tries his hardest. He's stopped going out, is always telling me he loves me and rings me on work lunch breaks etc for reassurance. He even proposed to prove this is what he wanted. However it came out a few weeks ago that he had unblocked AP as he was at work and needed a plaster (he works for a huge college, surely there was somebody else he could have asked???)

I don't go out the house anymore. Even seeing the same make and model of her car is enough to set me off. All I do is sit and think about what he did. I'm on maternity leave so not a lot to do. I have so many questions of things that don't add up, yet when new information comes to light when he's being honest it sends me on a downhill spiral that can last for days.

It's 1:30 of the morning, I'm too scared to sleep because of the nightmares. I can be sat watching tv and suddenly unwanted memories pop into my head and within seconds I'm in hysterics. I can't think of my poor dad without being reminded of the affair.

It's putting a strain on our relationship that is causing more anxiety incase it pushes to do it again.

I've tried counselling which didn't help. I've got a therapy assessment session on Tuesday but I'm not hopeful.

What self help did everyone find worked with PTSD? I'm desperate to just get back to some sort of normality. It's been nearly 5 months since DD and I just seem to be getting worse. I miss my old life and would do anything to get it back.

7 comments posted: Wednesday, August 20th, 2025

Comparing yourself to AP

Just feeling very alone and I need to snap out of this, but I can't.

Backstory in a nutshell is OH had an affair with a girl at work, it started when our baby was 4 weeks old and I was suffering with PND. My dad went into A&E with a suspected infection and came out with a diagnosis of terminal cancer - he died 6 weeks later. The affair continued throughout this and my partner put me through hell. Telling me I was making him unhappy because I was depressed so I needed to change. I put so much pressure on myself. He stopped in a hotel room the night my dad died with this other girl. He was not there when I needed him at all. The affair came out 2 days before my dad's funeral. I contacted AP and she left him immediately, saying she had no knowledge of our relationship. He was so bitter and cruel to me afterwards. He was saying how amazing AP was, unlike me. AP showed me text messages of him grovelling to her, saying all he ever wanted was her and how beautiful, amazing etc etc she was and he wanted to marry her. Stuff he's never said to me.

Once it was clear their relationship was over he started to grovel back. I had him back as I was desperate not to split our young baby.

It's now been nearly 3 months since everything came out and whilst on the surface things are going well, my mental health is in shreds. I'm having nightmares constantly about the two of them, and I'm just constantly comparing myself to her. She is 2 years younger than me, blonde with a baby face and a lovely slim figure. I've had 4 children and my body is showing it. I've lost nearly 7 stone in weight and I have so much excess skin. I'm having panic attacks whenever I see my stomach and how saggy it is incase it's not good enough for him. I've looked into surgery but cannot be considered for a tummy tuck until I'm 12 months past my c section. I'm on weight loss injections and I'm terrified to stop them incase I pile it back on and I'm put through all of this again.

I'm starting to feel heavy feelings of guilt when I eat and as I'm typing this I'm sat sobbing. My confidence is so low. I'm looking at photos of her which makes me feel so rubbish but I can't snap out of it. I'm obsessively weighing myself everyday and it breaks my heart when I don't lose anything. I've never suffered with self esteem issues before and it's soul destroying. I just can't understand any of this, why it happened and why I deserved all of this. I feel so robbed of my maternity leave.

He never offers any reassurance when I say my stomach bothers me - I got upset yesterday as I hadn't lost any weight this week and he suggested I join a gym. I just broke down.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far - I just needed to let it out. It's not been a good few days.

7 comments posted: Thursday, June 26th, 2025

Rebuilding Trust

Hope somebody can help as I'm driving myself potty at the moment.

OH started an affair with a work colleague when our son was 4 weeks old. My dad was unexpectedly diagnosed with terminal cancer and died 6 weeks later - my OH went and slept with AP in a hotel the night of his death (he was on a "planned night out") whilst I booked myself into a hotel with my 2 children as I couldn't face being at home after watching my dad die. D Day was 2 days before my dad's funeral and he left me for her - then came back when she found out he was still with me. I tried my best to salvage the relationship for the sake of our now 4 month old. I was in remission for uterine cancer and that's now come back, doctors think as a result of stress. I've also developed PTSD.

He's going out on a lad's holiday next weekend. I've asked him not to go as I know it's going to shred me but he says he's not going to stop his life. He's gone out on a curry night with the lads that are going tonight. Table was booked for 18:30, it's past 21:30 and he's still not home. I don't want to be breathing down his neck asking when he's going to be back but I'm driving myself mad. Whenever he goes out he always sends me a photograph of his food to show me what he's had, yet tonight there's no photo as "it wasn't worth taking a photo of"

I'm tearing myself up wondering if this is worth all of this stress. How do you cope when normal life resumes and try to respect their personal space, yet stop yourself going insane in the process

6 comments posted: Sunday, June 1st, 2025

Lads Holiday

I've recently joined due to finding out about my partner's affair. Original post is here explaining what happened, it was unforgivable what he did but I'm trying to move forward with it.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/665717/is-there-a-way-forward/

He's going on a lads holiday in 2 weeks time and I'm a nervous wreck about it. It's coming up to 6 weeks post D-Day, and I'm struggling more than ever but don't want to put a dampener on things as he's adamant he's going. It's a 4 day trip, drinking and partying.

Any tips on how to keep myself sane whilst he's away? He needs to go as it's the only way trust is going to be rebuilt and I don't want my mood to stop him doing anything, making him feel trapped. However it's eating away at me that something will happen. He's going with his best friend who is a serial cheater on his girlfriend.

14 comments posted: Friday, May 23rd, 2025

Is there a way forward?

Hi there,

I'm at an ultimate loss on what to do. My partner started an affair with a work colleague mid February, when our LO was just 4 weeks old. End of January we took my dad into A&E as he was very confused, and we suspected an infection. He came out of there with a diagnosis of Grade 4 terminal cancer, with weeks to live. I was also suffering with awful PND, so needed my partner the most. He was going out with her and leaving me with our baby who had bad colic so was screaming constantly whilst I was trying to keep my head above water.

My dad died mid March, 6 weeks after his diagnosis. I came back at 8am in the morning after sorting the undertakers out to come and collect him from my mom's after we all watched him die. My partner was due to go on a night out, which considering what had happened I thought he'd cancel. But no, he left at 2pm of the afternoon and then did not return until 3pm the following afternoon. I was in pieces, so drove to Wales with my baby and son and just broke down in a hotel room. He did not text or call to see if I was ok. I later found out he stopped in a hotel room with her that night. My mom also gave him a load of my dad's designer tops, his favourite ones. He's slept with her in them. I have shoved them to the back of the drawer unable to look at them.

I found out via her Facebook that the affair was happening beginning of April, 2 days before my dad's funeral. He looked me dead in the eyes when I found out and told me he loved her, and didn't want to be with me anymore. I haven't been the same since. I messaged her and we shared evidence with each other. She's left him, and he's eventually come crawling back to me. I've had him back as at the time he was saying he wanted 50/50 custody of our 2 month old which was destroying me. He kept saying she wasn't a mistake at the beginning which rubbed salt in the wound, however he's now admitted she was.

It's now been 5 weeks since I found out. I'm having nightmares about it every night and I can't think about my poor dad as the affair comes into my head every time. He has shown next to no remorse, I've literally only had "sorry" which I've had to beg for. She got a massive paragraph begging for a second chance, heavily apologising saying he wanted to marry her and have kids. I'm an anxious wreck all of the time, and cry constantly about what he's done. I'm scared to show any sort of emotion about it infront of him incase it scares him off. I have so many triggers that set me off, it's impossible to avoid.

She's young, got a baby face, blonde, skinny, got no children. I've had 4 children, I've lost a lot of weight but my body is as saggy as anything. I was in remission for uterine cancer that I had before my son, and doctors now suspect it's come back through stress. I can never compete with her and it's just getting me so down. I'm scared that this is a massive thing that he's done and there will be nothing stopping him from cheating again due to the circumstances before.

Is there a way forward with this? How do you cope with triggers? My poor dad is a big one and it's so hard :( I'm so desperate for this to work so I don't have to be away from my baby. However I'm hiding so much and it's eating me alive. Thank you for reading if you've got this far.

8 comments posted: Wednesday, May 21st, 2025