Having a hard time forgiving my boyfriend for emotionally cheating with ex and it's killing me

Earlier this month i discovered my boyfriend of 2 years isn't over his ex.according to him he went on her Instagram page twice this year to see if she was still with the guy she had left him for. He told me Both times looking at her Instagram photos he was reliving having sex with her and wishing he could have sex with her in that moment. He felt guilty for those feelings and went searching online to fight his attraction to his ex. That's how I found out about it because I snooped in his phone and found he was searching online for help with his attraction to his ex.their relationship was very traumatic and I believe He's trauma bonded so He's started going to therapy for it this month......butthe whole situation is killing me emotionally. I told him tonight that awhile back I spoke about marriage but I can't marry someone hung up on their ex. He was very dismissive and said that he shouldn't be judged for a mistake he made looking her up twice in our two year relationship and that mistake is not the reflection of who he is now. He said he was looking forward to marriage and is now disappointed I would take it To the point I should reject marriage with him. He said he wont ever look her up on social media page again and he's over her.i said you only did one session of therapy how are you over her!?! He said he saw how much his actions caused so much damage and now he has no desire to look her up ever again.I told him if he works well in therapy for the next couple of months to get over his ex I will accept an engagement ring but I think he should only take it to the next step to marry me when he's completely over her and ready to move on with a lifetime commitment to me. He smiled and said okay I will prove to you I am over her. But I honestly don't even think I ever want to marry him. I'm so hurt by this betrayal. I can't believe he could be with me and still lust after someone who hurt him so badly according to him. I feel like my love for him has been completely taken for granted.

3 comments posted: Tuesday, September 30th, 2025

Returned to the forum's 4 years later

I honestly cannot believe that I am back here 3 years later for those who do not know me here is my past story https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/650034/a-story-of-failed-reconciliation/
I would firstly like to thank everyone who tried to help me during those times where you try to explain to me my partner to not love me and I wish that I listened to you but it took me 3 years to escape this psychotic monster. I am so much more happier now and I have to share exactly what happened after those 3 years being trapped in that narcissistic relationship with that monster. I'll start off by saying that we had ended up getting back together after the post I made about us being friends after talking on Christmas. During the course of us getting back together again he made a comment about moving back in with me would "save a ton of money since my rents so cheap". Which I found a bit offensive but brushed it off. During the course of 2021 he treated me terribly. Was verbally /emotionally abusive but would randomly buy me gifts to soften the blows I guess? in his mind I think he felt I deserved bad treatment because of how I treated him after discovering his affair back in 2020. My self-esteem was pretty low in 2021 cuz during that time where we were separated in 2020 I had tried dating other people and a lot of the dates were pretty traumatizing. He was extremely cruel to me insulting and demeaning and I put up with all of that poor treatment because I felt I deserved it. During the course of that time I remember asking him "why are you even with me" and he you couldn't even answer the question. Shortly after that day I remember looking through his searches and he was looking up reasons for being in a relationship. I'm assuming to tell me those reasons the next time I asked that question. In my foolishness back than I convinced myself that he clearly didn't love me anymore so I had to earn his love back. How delusional I was! During the course of 2021 I discovered that on one night he didn't come home he had been on multiple dating apps. I accused him of cheating on me which he denied and claimed he was just on there looking for attention from women not meeting them. Foolishly I stayed choosing to believe. For whatever reasons for the rest of 2021 he stopped being verbally and emotionally abusive and I figured I had earned his love back and maybe that was why. Our relationship seemed to be perfectly fine for the rest of 2021 and early 2022 we had dates he even started giving me a little 300 dollar monthly allowance for my needs. In late 2022 I discovered he still had nude photos of ex girlfriends as well as the sex worker he cheated on me with in 2020! Furious I demanded to know the truth! He than told me when I went on my trip in 2022 to Miami he went on multiple dating apps looking to hook up with someone but didn't find anyone. I asked him why are you with me if you clearly want other people. He stated it's not that I don't want to be with you I just want to be with you and also still have fun. He did the usual lies of never doing it again and claiming to have deleted all those photos.He than gave me 2k and upgraded 2k wedding ring. Because gifts are my love language I Foolishly stayed seeing this as a sign of remorse. In 2023 I started to gain weight due to my depression which angered him so then the verbal abuse from him began. He started calling me fat all the time became extremely mean and abusive towards me. I went out partying with my friends one day and when I came home I looked through his phone and noticed he once again still had inappropriate pictures of exes and other women in his phone despite knowing I was not okay with that. I went off him and he had the nerve to have an attitude with me and halfway through our conversation he decided to put on his headphones to ignore what I was saying to him. And that was when I snatched that headphones off his head and said I wanted to divorce. He said fine but give me my money back for this month allowance but I refused as I already spent it and it was damn near the end of the month. I told him I will allow him to get his things together so he can start looking for an apartment on his own. The next few days I felt very sad for him as he seemed to be really quiet and just on his computer. At one point he tried to guilt Trip me by saying that he stood by me all these years and how could I throw away our marriage over pictures. I laughed in his face and told him he never once stood by me and he has thrown away our marriage from day 1. As time went on I ended up going on a date and meeting a new guy but my soon to be ex-husband was still living with me unfortunately. My new guy was very understanding and didn't judge the fact that I was living with my ex-husband but helped encourage me to facilitate the divorce with my ex husband further. My ex-husband was looking online for apartments but seem to be having trouble. I offered to help initially but he shot me down however it was taking far too long. When I decided to question my husband about what was happening or telling him that I needed time for him to leave the apartment for a bit so I could be with my new boyfriend he became very verbally abusive and very disrespectful. I expressed to him that this is my home and me allowing him to stay here while we are going through a divorce until he gets his own apartment is a courtesy not a right. I made sure to never put him on the lease for my apartment because I always had a feeling this day may come I would want to divorce him due to his action. My ex-husband was extremely angry and started going through my personal belongings and reading my personal conversations with people and at one point had been there to try to confront me about a private conversation I had with a friend. That was when I was furious and demanded that he need to pay me rent for his final stay here because he was violating all of my personal boundaries. At this point my boyfriend also became concerned for my safety as my ex-husband was acting erratic and told me he would like to move in with me to make sure he doesn't do anything to harm me because my ex-husband is a narcissist. I agreed so my boyfriend and my ex-husband and me were all living together. During this time my ex stole my Chromebook, hacked my phone and got it factory reset so I lost all my information on my phone and he also stole my hard drive. Even started making verbally abusive statements like he used me for papers, I'm stupid and that he was never attracted to me and was happy I was ending the marriage because I've gotten fat. It was all extremely cruel statements that had me crying. I have this man 6 years of my life how could he be so cruel to say these things to me even if they are true. What's the point in saying them now? I ended up finding him a new apartment and before he left he was on the phone with a woman that he said was a coworker who is his work wife. Suddenly it all made sense these past few months of extreme abusive behavior happened because he was already gearing up with a replacement of me and chose to treat me badly because he was comparing me to her.i cried in the washroom devastated. It is now 2024 and I'm in a happy and wonderful new relationship. I feel valued and appreciated all the time.

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0 comment posted: Saturday, November 2nd, 2024

Back here four years later

I honestly cannot believe that I am back here 3 years later for those who do not know me here is my past story https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/650034/a-story-of-failed-reconciliation/
I would firstly like to thank everyone who tried to help me during those times where you try to explain to me my partner to not love me and I wish that I listened to you but it took me 3 years to escape this psychotic monster. I am so much more happier now and I have to share exactly what happened after those 3 years being trapped in that narcissistic relationship with that monster. I'll start off by saying that we had ended up getting back together after the post I made about us being friends after talking on Christmas. During the course of us getting back together again he made a comment about moving back in with me would "save a ton of money since my rents so cheap". Which I found a bit offensive but brushed it off. During the course of 2021 he treated me terribly. Was verbally /emotionally abusive but would randomly buy me gifts to soften the blows I guess? in his mind I think he felt I deserved bad treatment because of how I treated him after discovering his affair back in 2020. My self-esteem was pretty low in 2021 cuz during that time where we were separated in 2020 I had tried dating other people and a lot of the dates were pretty traumatizing. He was extremely cruel to me insulting and demeaning and I put up with all of that poor treatment because I felt I deserved it. During the course of that time I remember asking him "why are you even with me" and he you couldn't even answer the question. Shortly after that day I remember looking through his searches and he was looking up reasons for being in a relationship. I'm assuming to tell me those reasons the next time I asked that question. In my foolishness back than I convinced myself that he clearly didn't love me anymore so I had to earn his love back. How delusional I was! During the course of 2021 I discovered that on one night he didn't come home he had been on multiple dating apps. I accused him of cheating on me which he denied and claimed he was just on there looking for attention from women not meeting them. Foolishly I stayed choosing to believe. For whatever reasons for the rest of 2021 he stopped being verbally and emotionally abusive and I figured I had earned his love back and maybe that was why. Our relationship seemed to be perfectly fine for the rest of 2021 and early 2022 we had dates he even started giving me a little 300 dollar monthly allowance for my needs. In late 2022 I discovered he still had nude photos of ex girlfriends as well as the sex worker he cheated on me with in 2020! Furious I demanded to know the truth! He than told me when I went on my trip in 2022 to Miami he went on multiple dating apps looking to hook up with someone but didn't find anyone. I asked him why are you with me if you clearly want other people. He stated it's not that I don't want to be with you I just want to be with you and also still have fun. He did the usual lies of never doing it again and claiming to have deleted all those photos.He than gave me 2k and upgraded 2k wedding ring. Because gifts are my love language I Foolishly stayed seeing this as a sign of remorse. In 2023 I started to gain weight due to my depression which angered him so then the verbal abuse from him began. He started calling me fat all the time became extremely mean and abusive towards me. I went out partying with my friends one day and when I came home I looked through his phone and noticed he once again still had inappropriate pictures of exes and other women in his phone despite knowing I was not okay with that. I went off him and he had the nerve to have an attitude with me and halfway through our conversation he decided to put on his headphones to ignore what I was saying to him. And that was when I snatched that headphones off his head and said I wanted to divorce. He said fine but give me my money back for this month allowance but I refused as I already spent it and it was damn near the end of the month. I told him I will allow him to get his things together so he can start looking for an apartment on his own. The next few days I felt very sad for him as he seemed to be really quiet and just on his computer. At one point he tried to guilt Trip me by saying that he stood by me all these years and how could I throw away our marriage over pictures. I laughed in his face and told him he never once stood by me and he has thrown away our marriage from day 1. As time went on I ended up going on a date and meeting a new guy but my soon to be ex-husband was still living with me unfortunately. My new guy was very understanding and didn't judge the fact that I was living with my ex-husband but helped encourage me to facilitate the divorce with my ex husband further. My ex-husband was looking online for apartments but seem to be having trouble. I offered to help initially but he shot me down however it was taking far too long. When I decided to question my husband about what was happening or telling him that I needed time for him to leave the apartment for a bit so I could be with my new boyfriend he became very verbally abusive and very disrespectful. I expressed to him that this is my home and me allowing him to stay here while we are going through a divorce until he gets his own apartment is a courtesy not a right. I made sure to never put him on the lease for my apartment because I always had a feeling this day may come I would want to divorce him due to his action. My ex-husband was extremely angry and started going through my personal belongings and reading my personal conversations with people and at one point had been there to try to confront me about a private conversation I had with a friend. That was when I was furious and demanded that he need to pay me rent for his final stay here because he was violating all of my personal boundaries. At this point my boyfriend also became concerned for my safety as my ex-husband was acting erratic and told me he would like to move in with me to make sure he doesn't do anything to harm me because my ex-husband is a narcissist. I agreed so my boyfriend and my ex-husband and me were all living together. During this time my ex stole my Chromebook, hacked my phone and got it factory reset so I lost all my information on my phone and he also stole my hard drive. Even started making verbally abusive statements like he used me for papers, I'm stupid and that he was never attracted to me and was happy I was ending the marriage because I've gotten fat. It was all extremely cruel statements that had me crying. I have this man 6 years of my life how could he be so cruel to say these things to me even if they are true. What's the point in saying them now? I ended up finding him a new apartment and before he left he was on the phone with a woman that he said was a coworker who is his work wife. Suddenly it all made sense these past few months of extreme abusive behavior happened because he was already gearing up with a replacement of me and chose to treat me badly because he was comparing me to her.i cried in the washroom devastated. It is now 2024 and I'm in a happy and wonderful new relationship. I feel valued and appreciated all the time.

2 comments posted: Saturday, November 2nd, 2024

An update that will blow your mind

I honestly cannot believe that I am back here 3 years later for those who do not know me here is my past story https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/650034/a-story-of-failed-reconciliation/
I would firstly like to thank everyone who tried to help me during those times where you try to explain to me my partner to not love me and I wish that I listened to you but it took me 3 years to escape this psychotic monster. I am so much more happier now and I have to share exactly what happened after those 3 years being trapped in that narcissistic relationship with that monster. I'll start off by saying that we had ended up getting back together after the post I made about us being friends after talking on Christmas. During the course of us getting back together again he made a comment about moving back in with me would "save a ton of money since my rents so cheap". Which I found a bit offensive but brushed it off. During the course of 2021 he treated me terribly. Was verbally /emotionally abusive but would randomly buy me gifts to soften the blows I guess? in his mind I think he felt I deserved bad treatment because of how I treated him after discovering his affair back in 2020. My self-esteem was pretty low in 2021 cuz during that time where we were separated in 2020 I had tried dating other people and a lot of the dates were pretty traumatizing. He was extremely cruel to me insulting and demeaning and I put up with all of that poor treatment because I felt I deserved it. During the course of that time I remember asking him "why are you even with me" and he you couldn't even answer the question. Shortly after that day I remember looking through his searches and he was looking up reasons for being in a relationship. I'm assuming to tell me those reasons the next time I asked that question. In my foolishness back than I convinced myself that he clearly didn't love me anymore so I had to earn his love back. How delusional I was! During the course of 2021 I discovered that on one night he didn't come home he had been on multiple dating apps. I accused him of cheating on me which he denied and claimed he was just on there looking for attention from women not meeting them. Foolishly I stayed choosing to believe. For whatever reasons for the rest of 2021 he stopped being verbally and emotionally abusive and I figured I had earned his love back and maybe that was why. Our relationship seemed to be perfectly fine for the rest of 2021 and early 2022 we had dates he even started giving me a little 300 dollar monthly allowance for my needs. In late 2022 I discovered he still had nude photos of ex girlfriends as well as the sex worker he cheated on me with in 2020! Furious I demanded to know the truth! He than told me when I went on my trip in 2022 to Miami he went on multiple dating apps looking to hook up with someone but didn't find anyone. I asked him why are you with me if you clearly want other people. He stated it's not that I don't want to be with you I just want to be with you and also still have fun. He did the usual lies of never doing it again and claiming to have deleted all those photos.He than gave me 2k and upgraded 2k wedding ring. Because gifts are my love language I Foolishly stayed seeing this as a sign of remorse. In 2023 I started to gain weight due to my depression which angered him so then the verbal abuse from him began. He started calling me fat all the time became extremely mean and abusive towards me. I went out partying with my friends one day and when I came home I looked through his phone and noticed he once again still had inappropriate pictures of exes and other women in his phone despite knowing I was not okay with that. I went off him and he had the nerve to have an attitude with me and halfway through our conversation he decided to put on his headphones to ignore what I was saying to him. And that was when I snatched that headphones off his head and said I wanted to divorce. He said fine but give me my money back for this month allowance but I refused as I already spent it and it was damn near the end of the month. I told him I will allow him to get his things together so he can start looking for an apartment on his own. The next few days I felt very sad for him as he seemed to be really quiet and just on his computer. At one point he tried to guilt Trip me by saying that he stood by me all these years and how could I throw away our marriage over pictures. I laughed in his face and told him he never once stood by me and he has thrown away our marriage from day 1. As time went on I ended up going on a date and meeting a new guy but my soon to be ex-husband was still living with me unfortunately. My new guy was very understanding and didn't judge the fact that I was living with my ex-husband but helped encourage me to facilitate the divorce with my ex husband further. My ex-husband was looking online for apartments but seem to be having trouble. I offered to help initially but he shot me down however it was taking far too long. When I decided to question my husband about what was happening or telling him that I needed time for him to leave the apartment for a bit so I could be with my new boyfriend he became very verbally abusive and very disrespectful. I expressed to him that this is my home and me allowing him to stay here while we are going through a divorce until he gets his own apartment is a courtesy not a right. I made sure to never put him on the lease for my apartment because I always had a feeling this day may come I would want to divorce him due to his action. My ex-husband was extremely angry and started going through my personal belongings and reading my personal conversations with people and at one point had been there to try to confront me about a private conversation I had with a friend. That was when I was furious and demanded that he need to pay me rent for his final stay here because he was violating all of my personal boundaries. At this point my boyfriend also became concerned for my safety as my ex-husband was acting erratic and told me he would like to move in with me to make sure he doesn't do anything to harm me because my ex-husband is a narcissist. I agreed so my boyfriend and my ex-husband and me were all living together. During this time my ex stole my Chromebook, hacked my phone and got it factory reset so I lost all my information on my phone and he also stole my hard drive. Even started making verbally abusive statements like he used me for papers, I'm stupid and that he was never attracted to me and was happy I was ending the marriage because I've gotten fat. It was all extremely cruel statements that had me crying. I have this man 6 years of my life how could he be so cruel to say these things to me even if they are true. What's the point in saying them now? I ended up finding him a new apartment and before he left he was on the phone with a woman that he said was a coworker who is his work wife. Suddenly it all made sense these past few months of extreme abusive behavior happened because he was already gearing up with a replacement of me and chose to treat me badly because he was comparing me to her.i cried in the washroom devastated. It is now 2024 and I'm in a happy and wonderful new relationship. I feel valued and appreciated all the time.

0 comment posted: Thursday, October 31st, 2024