SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so mad with him that he made me feel like this! That he put me in this position and I have to drive the thoughts that are clouding my mind out of my head the last three and a half years now…Did he love her (he says no, it was an addiction) ? But while he was doing all the dirty deeds (and I am not talking only about the sex) he was feeling it! He had all these feelings! Lust, rush, love or limerance I don’t care, those were all feelings! And time. And conscious effort to be with her and to handle me. It’s so painful. It’s so disrespectful. Today I have a hard day! And I would like just to get it out and scream. Or meet someone and arrange my payback. All this talk about my values concerning revenge affair falls flat in the face of the total disrespect that my loving husband showed me!!!! And I keep thinking about how he was feeling then, even though he feels revolted by his actions when he thinks of it since the 5th of August 2022. He is a brilliant man!!!! How can I be convinced that he didn’t think that this would devastate me. I can’t! I just can’t! This is why infidelity feels like a completely personal attack….

I am sorry for the error in the title 🙄

Hello Phosphorrscent,

Sorry you are going through this. Im nearly 18 months out and I've had many of the same thoughts. My WW is an intelligent driven woman. She HAD to have considered what this could do to me 'if' i found out. I say if because she tells me that originally she planned to take it to her grave, and didn't much think of the consequences.

I believe her. However it seems like a HUGE oversight to ignore what could happen. STDs, pregnancy, me finding out on my own or by being told by the other betrayed spouse. These are pretty obvious potential outcomes, and the fact that she went for it anyway makes me feel like this was actually an exit affair that she didn't have the courage to follow through on.

Course I could be wrong. Many therapeutic sources say that cheating is a very selfish act. So selfish in fact that they often don't think about the consequences. This is why not using protection is so common.

That makes sense to me, though I still view cheating as a form of spousal abuse.

There was a time when I seriously considered having a revenge affair as well just so she could feel how I was feeling.

I didn't, and won't, because I realized that she can never feel what I felt, and I dont want to hurt her anyway. I just want her to understand what she did to me. I don't believe she can ever feel those feelings the way I did. Cheating on her would hurt her for sure, and she might understand a little. But she won't feel the magnitude of the pain that I felt.

From what others have described it doesn't make you feel any better either. For these reasons I SRONGLY RECCOMEND you don't cheat on him. Don't stoop to his level. Don't become the thing you hate.

Is your husband doing the necessary work? 3.5 years seems like a really long time to be feeling like this.

I was still feeling this at 3.5 years. Sometimes have is in fleeting moments now….6 years later.

My husband told himself that I wouldn’t care. The A was some kind of F-ed up insanity. Mine was a double betrayal. She was a friend and mentor. It killed me to think that they thought it wouldn’t affect me. How are you taking care of yourself on bad days?

I will say, that I’m very grateful for where we are now. I can see how he’s grown through the experience of helping me and us to recovery from his shitty mistakes. OW can rot.

Like someone else posted, your spouse can be extremely intelligent. But in that moment for various reasons, they’re not. In my case, my wife is intelligent, but still ended up doing it. Does it help that it occurred she was in bad place mentally, no. Is it an excuse for it. Absolutely not. But it is an explanation to certain actions or disregard of who would be affected by these actions.

I know how you feel, cause I’m only 15 or so months from DDay. And I feel similarly to you. There are days, where we are having an amazing day. But then thoughts pop up like yours. It’s hard and it’s also normal. Nothing you’re feeling is wrong or abnormal. It took me some time to accept that but it doesn’t make it suck less.

As for me, these thoughts do come and go. Hopefully, with time it isn’t as blaring as it is now. I know not to expect it to be like some of the other peoples positive experiences but we can only hope of something close.