SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Absolutely not!

After my first husband had an affair and then left me for her I was ‘never’ getting married again. But then for some reason I thought I would have a better marriage second time round.

Well obviously that has not panned out either! Honestly I hate the concept of marriage now. Whilst I get along with my husband now I’ll never be happy that I’m married. Infidelity has completely destroyed it for me.

Absolutely not. I would have run away screaming. I love my children and I would not change them for the world, but I would change him. I know some people say you wouldn’t have your children without him, but I feel like I still would have had them. I feel like they were meant for me.

I thought about this a lot in the years since DDay. If I could go back in time and warn myself not to marry him, would I do it? And the answer is, yes, I definitely would, providing that I could have the same three amazing children, of course. Because the young woman that I was deserves better, deserves a life without the pain that he caused. There were amazing, happy years for us as well, before cheating and even after Dday, but 9 years of betrayal and lies caused a wound and scars that that young woman didn't deserve.

And I am happy that I stayed after DDay, I would not change that. The R is going well, we are not out of the woods yet, but I think we will be, if he continues to be the person he appears to be now, caring, loving, unselfish and safe. I am staying, because whatever I did, R or D, the pain he caused would still be here. It is a done deal now. And the woman I am now, deserves to have what she really wants, to spend my life with the man I love, to have my family intact, to welcome our future grandchildren together. I could not have that with anyone else. And despite everything, I love him and I want him. But if future me comes to me and tells me he will cheat again in 10 years, I am out.

Of course not!

Mind you that my wife of several decades has not cheated on me. My experience was with a fiancé shortly before that planned marriage.

But if I had a reliable crystal ball that back then in the late 1980’s – early 1990’s had warned me that the woman I intended to propose to would cheat on me in the next years/decades... I would have ended it.
This despite the two of us having created the best kids ever and living a good life together. I have no regrets about what we have done and achieved.
But I know I could have done that with someone else. Not the same kids and not the same life, but both equally good.

This would be a different reply if I were to discover NOW that she had cheated or was cheating. I might want to work things out – or not. But that’s a totally different question and scenario.

I think that what people sometimes misunderstand about those that have managed to reconcile and share with us that the marriage is better than before is the fact that the infidelity NEVER makes a marriage better, but that the work put into reconciling (if done properly) can make it better.

It’s sort of like having a heart attack definitely doesn’t improve your health, but starting to exercise, eat healthily and destress your lifestyle AFTER having a heart-attack can get you into the best shape of your life. It’s not because of the medical scare, but due to the work done.

I never liked relationship dynamics. At least from what I observed throughout my life. So I steered clear of it for as long as I could. My wife and I were coworkers in retail and the older folks kept trying to set us up. I kept my distance cause I did not want any kind of relationship with anyone.

I made it vocally clear multiple times in causal conversations why I had no faith in relationships. But something about her stood out than others. And things went well for sometime, and I had come around to accept I might be wrong. But then D-Day occurred and now I know I was always right.

I don’t know if it will change with time, because we’re only 15ish months into reconciling.

But I would say no. I regret ever believing it would be anything other than bad. If reconciliation doesn’t work. I’m simply done.

No.

But questions like this are dangerous IMHO. I refuse to become a rock or island unto myself to avoid any type of pain or discomfort. That is just basic existing. I want to live. And my scars show I did so.

Show me someone who lived fully with no regrets I'll show you a liar with a deep closet.

I still chose to love my WH and reconcile. Now, years out, things are good. If later down the line he fucks that up - that's on him. I will not regret the attempt at reconciling nor loving. What he does with that gift is 100% on him.

I find it interesting that a number of posters in this thread state that the affair did not shatter their love for their cheating spouse.

My W stuck with me out of love during some pretty hard times for me. Our love for each other has always been pretty strong.

I believe my love would have continued for a long time after d-day under any circumstances, perhaps for as long as I live.

But love does not necessarily mean R. I still believe I would have left if W had not changed, even though I loved her.

I really hope readers understand that Love alone is not enough to make R work. And that R can work even if love is shattered. One task is to decide if the shattering is temporary or permanent.

I'm not reconciled. We're technically still trying to R, but it doesn't look at all likely that's going to happen.

My WW actually asked me this very question though, so I feel like I can still post a reply. She said, if you knew I was going to have an affair would you have still married me? And I immediately said, No. Absolutely not.

I still feel that way. Who marries a person knowing they will betray you? That's not why people get married. At least that's not why I got married. I really took the vows seriously, and I thought she did too.

[This message edited by 4characters at 7:54 PM, Friday, September 26th]

I am not reconciled so maybe I don't count.

However, I would not even talk to my ex wife if I really knew what type of person she was. Literally one of the most horrible people I have ever known. She ruined my life for over 25 years.

I was just too stupid to understand what a POS she was. I thought I was keeping my family together, what a fool.

I too am not reconciled, but I tried R for 2 years. At one point, like 4characters, my WS asked if I would marry him had I known in the beginning, and I also said absolutely not. He felt hurt by that, but it seems obvious to me. I could have made good memories with someone else. I could've raised wonderful children with someone else. Maybe I'd have had the lifelong love that I've always wanted and can now never have.

As for my child, I love her absolutely, but I'll admit that I'm concerned for her future. She is 50% her dad, who has impulse control issues and dopamine seeking behavior. So far, she hasn't exhibited those tendencies too much, but I worry. She knows nothing about her dad's infidelity, and even if I tell her when she's older, I don't think it will matter. Plenty of kids repeat one parents' cheating in spite of knowing and seeing the pain it caused the other parent. If she ends up cheating on her spouse one day, it'll crush me all over again.

NoThanksForTheMemories

At one point, like 4characters, my WS asked if I would marry him had I known in the beginning, and I also said absolutely not. He felt hurt by that, but it seems obvious to me. I could have made good memories with someone else. I could've raised wonderful children with someone else. Maybe I'd have had the lifelong love that I've always wanted and can now never have.

(emphasis mine)

It never ceases to amaze me at how absolutely clueless some WS's can be about how their betrayal has affected the betrayed. Its like asking, "Are you still upset that I tossed that grenade in your direction and blew up our marriage even though you still survived (barely)?" "Aren't you still glad that you married me even though I caused you more pain and damage than anyone ever has in your lifetime?" Once again, a massive lack of empathy. Its like they don't have that widget. It does not compute.

I too relate to the next thought. I could have raised children with someone else. I may have spent my years as a young Husband and Father with someone who would not have shattered both of our lives through marital treason, but, I chose someone who did just that. Thankfully, I DID find a woman with whom I built a wonderful marriage and family after it all ended. It has been all that I could have hoped for. There IS life after and it can be fabulous.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:38 AM, Tuesday, September 30th]

No.

I’m also averse to hypotheticals (particularly with kids involved—would I wish my awesome kids into nonexistence? Never!) I also believe that to live involves risk, so I don’t have huge regrets, and I’m fine with where I am.

But one thing this infidelity circus has shown me is that I’m fine by myself. There are lots of areas of life and relationships to pursue and invest in, and I can be happy without a romantic relationship. If I had had a crystal ball showing me where it would all lead and how it would impact me, I wouldnt choose this. betrayal trauma has changed me and taught me a lot, but it hasn’t made me a better person.

I kind of figured she would, even at the beginning. Given her history and general conduct, the fact that she did it wasn't really all that surprising. She was taken aback in the aftermath because I told her she never seemed like a faithful person to me. (But, there's not a thing on this earth that could have prepared me for how it felt.)

I was young, and horny, though, and we're really compatible. Busted and socially malformed as we were, we fit together really well, in all the ways.

So, yeah, I probably would, I kind of already did. Were I to pass through life again with my current knowledge, I would walk very differently, though.

"Edit typos*

[This message edited by Mindjob at 2:18 AM, Tuesday, September 30th]

I've actually been mulling over this very question for several months now. If I had known back then that he would cheat, I'd have run away as fast and as far as I could. My previous serious relationship had also involved infidelity. That makes WH's cheating all the more egregious. He knew what infidelity had already done to me, and he put me through it again. I must be a cheater magnet, or my picker is broken or something.

But I did marry him and we raised an amazing family. Our kids and grandkids are absolute joy. Even with the pain and devastation of infidelity, I have plenty to be grateful for in this life that I do have.