SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am posting it again to get more responses. As I am not healing. Continuously crying since 3 months 10 days.

12 years of marriage. We Have a child. Recently found out my husband is cheating on me since 5 years. After 3 years of marriage his mother had moved in with us after her husband's death. There used to be fights because of the politics played by my MIL.My H always took her side. They were emotionally married to each other.I felt like outsider. Slowly he started silent treatments, stone walling and started to be distant. I was still in all love with him. In 2022, I caught him cheating by talking to a lady on phone for hours. I was devastated. He didn't give me any detail. I knew it was more than talking. He promised he will never repeat it. Then we moved to USA from our home country. He promised he will rebuild. But recently found out that he never stopped talking to the AP. He used to go to our home country every 4 months to have honeymoon with her by claiming he is going to meet his mom. The AP is a massage lady who used to work in spa and he had went for massage in 2022 when I was in my maternal place for few months. She is a divorcee with 2 twenty years old kids. He gave her a huge amount of money. Set up her own spa business. Sponsoring AP's daughter's higher studies, took a loan for a house she wanted to purchase and claiming that she would have paid the EMIs. Whileas he gave a huge down payment for this too.

This is a 2nd time betrayal. He was very cruel to me these few years. 5 years affair. So many big things he did for AP. He says, his AP used to live with her boyfriend and he used to beat her. So my H wanted to help her. They started talking and he got involved with her out of pity. I was in my maternal home for 4 months. He had full honeymoon with her for those months in my home which we had build together. He used the same bed we used to sleep on. He had given her the key of my house. When he was in USA, she used to come frequently to my house in my home country and my H used to send food for her. Whenever he went to home country, he stayed with her in my house. I discovered these things now.

When I caught him, he is remorseful and want his family back. Want to be a better person and love me the way I want. He is a small narcissist and excessive avoidant. He says he was poisoned for me by his mother and we didn't solve the issues and he had resentment baggage. His ego kept him talking to me about our marital issues. He wanted to help the lady to pull her out of her problems and poverty and strayed.

Please suggest me.

I am not healing. I am crying and confronting him continuously since 3 months 10 days. When he went on a business trip, I felt at peace but now when he is back, the same cycle is repeating. I am in immense pain. Not able to understand what to do to come out of it. It feels like a separation for sometime will help but I feel guilty about asking him to move out and I start missing him and my daughter's full responsibility falls on me and I am not in a position to care her mentally and physically.

How long it will take to heal? How this pain will stop?

I know I can't leave this marriage but I can't think about reconciliation after such a brutal betrayal. My heart is not accepting it. I cant accept how a person can be so cruel to their spouse. I would have never done this.
Recently I found their intimate pictures and I am so broken after that.

[This message edited by Liveandletotherslive at 10:44 PM, Friday, July 10th]

Both of you need therapy - you should be seeing one who specializes in betrayal trauma, and he needs one to figure out why he did this so he can become safe.

You should see a doctor too, sounds like you could benefit from anti-depressants and maybe some anti-anxiety medicine.

Why can’t you leave the marriage?

Can you say more about the pictures you found? It’s not a good sign if he was keeping them.

Smooch pics in my house, pics sitting in restaurant. Pics holding her breast in my house where he is laughing hard and deep love in his eyes. Roaming around together. Festival pics, pics he is keeping his hand on her shoulder in our car, pic of they both wearing beautiful traditional dresses and going in car. pic of he is very close to her in market. Pics of beach, my husband's pic with her, her daughter and AP's brother roaming around. I found them in google pics of his secret email id.

His first love letter. Her first love letter.

I can't imagine a better future leaving him. I can't love someone else and remarry. He is a good father. My daughter (8 years old) may chose father if given a chance. My parents wont let me leave the marriage. I come from an orthodox country and society.

[This message edited by Liveandletotherslive at 11:44 PM, Friday, July 10th]

You have been heard. You have suffered a bitter betrayal. Always value yourself. Investigate counseling for betrayal trauma. It is widely accepted that it take 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. You need to focus on yourself and start to heal. You’ve received good advice in your initial thread as well. Do not allow yourself to be imprisoned in an unlivable situation. Do see an attorney to learn your rights. You have your entire life ahead of you.

It sounds like you have no support system here in the United States. This is trauma and you need a therapist trained to help you process it. I would suggest you contact your local sheriffs department or police department and ask them to give you the telephone number of a woman’s shelter. You don’t have to go live at that shelter, but they certainly know therapists that you can call and talk to. You need to be very aware that even though you are new to this country, you have rights and one of the rights is to be treated with dignity. Your husband is taking advantage of you because he travels back-and-forth and leaves you there trying to make sense of his behavior. Lots of people are afraid of cops but I’m certainly not because I’ve worked with them. You need to find one who can show you, or tell you, how to find help. What has been done to you is considered emotional cruelty and I considered a form of emotional abuse. I don’t care how much he says he loves you, what he is doing is not love. It’s mistreatment and cruelty, and you don’t deserve being treated that way.

I found them in google pics of his secret email id

That’s the information I was looking for. He didn’t share these with you as part of some confession, you found them in a secret place.

I hope you made a couple of copies of the things you found and have them stored in a place he can’t access.

The reason I asked about the photos is because they’re meaningful. You take pictures of things you want to remember. You keep mementos like love letters because you treasure them. That’s why I said it was a bad sign: if he really was remorseful, he’d be ashamed of those photos and those letters. If he really was remorseful, he wouldn’t keep them in a secret place where he could go look at them from time to time.

I don’t think he’s remorseful, I think he’s sorry he got caught.

+++++

He’s not a good father.

Good fathers don’t expose their child’s mother to venereal disease. Good fathers don’t waste money on his AP and her children - money that could have been used for your daughter’s benefit, saved for her college tuition, emergency medical expenses, anything. Good fathers don’t emotionally abuse the mother of their child. Good fathers don’t vanish 4 times a year to have a separate family.

+++++

You live in America now. You don’t need your parents’ permission to get a divorce here. I know that’s easier to say than to do, but it’s true. Have you told your parents what he’s done?

+++++

You said you feel better when he’s gone. If you’re not going to divorce him, maybe he needs to get an apartment for a little while. You don’t have to do all the childcare yourself, you can take turns, like other people who co-parent. You need to get to a place where you’re not crying all the time. That’s worrisome. That sounds like depression to me. You really need professional help with that.

+++++

What is he actually doing to try to fix the mess he made?

Have you considered talking with a divorce lawyer? Some give free consultations in which you can get an idea of what D would mean financially. You may be more able to dump your H than you think.

I am so very sorry you are going through this. It is such a hard thing to go through. I will tell you healing is hard and can take a very long time. Other's have mentioned counseling. I highly recommend that. I did not do it until well over a year after and regret I did not go sooner. Individual counseling for you to work through your feelings. He needs to do individual counseling for him to determine why he did that and learn how to help you heal. I would not start marriage counseling until you both have done IC some. Get a separate person for marriage counseling if and when you decide to do that.

As suggested, talk with a divorce attorney. Even if you are not planning to do that now, at least you will know where you stand if you decide to.

In my situation, it took over 10 years that I can say I finally healed, but healing does not mean the memories and pain all go away. I will never be off alert. With that said, think about your situation. You were hurt so very bad. Do you think you can do this over several years?

The last comment, you mentioned he was remorseful. Be careful there. Regretful (sorry I did it and got caught) is not the same as remorseful (how can I help you heal even if it means we are no longer married). Most are regretful at first. It takes a long time I think for many to become remorseful and some never do.

Take care of you.

The grief you are feeling is right. You hurt tremendously because you loved tremendously. And he did not respect that precious love.

As other said, find a Betrayal Trauma Specialist.

Go to YouTube and search Dr. Jake Porter. Watch his videos and you will learn much.

Seek God like no other time in your life. He will never betray you. He knows your pain. 🙏

I can't imagine a better future leaving him.

You have been betrayed. It is sexual and emotional abuse that runs deep and cause a very deep trauma, PTSD and a galxy of mental and physical serious health issues.

Is not something light, it's heavy.

Leaving your abuser is already a better future outright. You are the victim, he is the abuser.

I can't love someone else and remarry.

They are billions of people on this planet. There are couple of millions at the very least you can love and that who will marry you. And actually love you back.

Among billions you found one asshole.
Your chances are actually pretty good, you did not win the lottery, you lost it.

He is a good father. My daughter (8 years old) may chose father if given a chance.

A traitor betrays themselves, their partner, their family, children included.
He is not a good father, he is among the shittiest ones you will ever find.

He betrayed your little daughter to fuck the AP.
Not a good dad.

My parents wont let me leave the marriage. I come from an orthodox country and society.

I will be very blunt here sister.

1. I don't believe your parents will not understand your deep pain when they know what happened. You re not leaving because frivolous reasons. You have been emotionally and sexually abused. Betrayal. Loving parents WILL understand this and support you (*this links to next)
2. If they value more the formal marriage than the life of their daughter, then they are not loving parents, they are from the same fabric of your cheater husband. Time to consider them dead and move on with your life without your Wayward Husband, and without your parents.

But I hardly can believe parents can be so heartless and uncaring.

Here's the thing. There only one person who maters here and who should matter in your life. You. You need to heal, for you and for your daughter.
You are your only hope of surviving this crap. And you are her only hope as well.

She and you matter. But you need to heal.

Speak, don't keep it inside, here your voice and pain will be heard.

You have been heard.