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I am now 8 months past DD I feel I have discussed most things about the A in IC and I get the hows and the whys (although of course that doesn't not justify or excuse my husband's actions).

I am starting to realise he is not that man anymore although I still massively struggle when the hormones hit due to PMDD and perimenopause. However, I have started to watch/read and explore forgiveness and know it's something I want to work towards.

I have realised that forgiveness is not so much for the other person, but for the victim and they can release the anger and the resentment. This, and watching a YouTube documentary on a man who forgave a drink driver who killed his children, has made me realise that forgiveness goes beyond my husband. I feel I also need to forgive the AP and his FOO to free myself.

The AP was my husband"s best friends wife so I knew her through my husband but I never particularly warmed to her or wanted to be close friends with (I guess my gut knew she was bad news). I can understand her reasons for the affair but what I struggle with most is the callous way she told me 12 years later whilst I was at work out of spite as her marriage had broken down due to another affair. I know hurt people hurt people but I'm just not like that myself. However, I want to forgive her to release the resentment.

As for my husband's FOO, they are all cheaters including his mother, sisters, aunties and uncles and there are 3 OC in the family. Consequently infidelity was normalised, rug swept and poor morals and boundaries taught. Even in the aftermath of DD his family continuously try and rug sweep, cannot understand why our children are upset and have provided no support for me or my husband. But, again, I want to forgive them so I can lose the anger, put healthy boundaries in place and move on with my life.

In the past 8 months I have experienced so much pain, but also growth. I have somehow completed a masters that I thought I would have to give up on DD and I have forgiven myself for not seeing the signs, choosing a broken man and not being the strong mum I wanted to be in the first few months after DD. I now want to work on forgiving everyone else.

I know this will take time and cannot be rushed and I plan to discuss this with my counsellor tomorrow but I just wondered if anyone had any advice. Is it possible? Am I delusional for wanting to forgive not only my husband but also the AP and his FOO? Has anyone else forgiven the AP or FOO?

Forgiveness is indeed a gift you give yourself, but an expensive one. Requiring a LOT of work. Mine was also a double betrayal. I never really warmed to OW either. Something always felt off, though she was a mentor in a new sport FWH and I were exploring.

8 months out….I knew I wanted to forgive FWH. He was doing an enormous amount of work. I told him that I did, though, I think that was just for him. Now, nearly 7 years later I know I have, but it wasn’t something that came with that announcement. It came from a 1000 ways that we pulled together and leaned into each other to heal and also in the other hardships of life. Going through this experience made us both grow in ways we didn’t know possible. I’m glad for where we are….hate why, but grateful.

For me, forgiveness for the AP….I’m working on now. In that case, I’m looking for benign indifference. I think, working through R, it is eventually easy to demonize the AP and see the work the FWS has done. I don’t want to see anything about the AP. Just want her to become the random stranger that she was before all this BS.

The FOO….I don’t think you need to forgive at all. Perhaps they helped WS normalize this….but WS made the decisions. WS is an adult and needs to accept responsibilities for his choices….has he? Or is he blaming this on them? Seems a little off to me.

In general, I advise most betrayed spouses not to worry too much about forgiveness, especially so early out from d-day. There's no need to put any undue pressure upon yourself. When you're ready to forgive, you will find it comes from a sense of peace. It's not a mystery to solve. There's no clear cut path to forgiveness. And honestly, it's not "work" to get there.

For me, forgiveness came from a sense of peace. Finding that peace required healing. Lots of healing. I read books, articles, watched videos, and read the "regularly scheduled" forgiveness threads on SI.

When you're ready.

Peace is the greatest gift we can gives to ourselves. Peace of mind, body and spirit. It's the best way I know how to explain it. When we are at peace with ourselves, making peace with the rest of this crazy-ass world becomes relatively easy.

Focus on you, Evio, your recovery and healing.

(mentioned that before, haven't I?)

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:43 PM, Sunday, September 28th]

Thank you Ladybug - my WH is taking full responsibility and doesn't blame his FOO at all, it's me who can see where his poor boundaries and morals stem from and get angry. Completely agree, he was an adult and made his own choices which he accepts but his FOO completely downplay and have said things like 'we all do silly things when we are young' and 'you're a good husband and father' and 'lifes too short to be unhappy' and told me 'you'll always be part of the family' basically suggesting he walks away because I found out about his affair from 12 years ago! He has had to explicitly tell them he wants to fix the damage he has done and happiness lies with me. I seriously think his mum believes that the FOO is THE family and he should leave me and his 3 children and move 6 hours away 'back home' with them (despite the fact he left at 17 because of his mums affair!).

Unhinged thank you - peace is what I'm aiming for and I thought forgiveness might help me get there. I'm very focused on healing myself regardless of the outcome of the marriage, I wanted to lay down and die in the early days but the fire in my belly to thrive has returned.

I’m not in the forgiveness camp. I accept it happened. I’m not forgiving the AP for screwing my wife. Nor my wife’s brother and sister for cheering her on during the affair. Boundaries were created post D day. I’ve enforced them . I do not forgive my wife for what she did. I never will. She’s a person who made some really shitty decisions . I accept that. She’s not on the pedestal anymore. I accept that. Our unconditional love is gone ( my naive way of thinking it actually existed is gone) Marriage really is a business arrangement. Before affair it was some sort of utopian ideal. Now you break the rules you are going to pay. No more hall passes.

I'd have to put some energy into ow to forgive her, and I see no point is wasting that energy. But I live in peace over the A without forgiving her. Heck, I'm still angry at OBS for not telling me when he found out 10 days before I did.

For me, i focused on processing my grief, anger, fear, and shame out of my body. The more I did that, the closer I came to forgiving my W. I suspect I couldn't have given her forgiveness without processing my pain.

That's why I, too, recommend focusing on your healing first. Forgiveness may follow, but I don't think one can get to forgiveness while one is still deep in their own pain.

I believe forgiveness is for me.

I have shared a story here numerous times about a man who screwed me financially and how I decided to "forgive" him simply so he didn’t live rent-free in my thoughts. I have forgiven him, and he basically only comes back into my mind when I share that story here...
But... If I were to drive past him begging for a drink in the burning hot midday sun I wouldn’t even spit in his general direction. But nor would I have gone out of my way to get him into the desert and those conditions. He simply doesn’t exist to me on a daily basis.

I know that’s not "classic" forgiveness, but it works for me.

Thank you Sissoon. I don't actually have any anger towards the other BS who didn't tell me for 11 years - I assume he made what he thought was the right decision at the time, but maybe he didn't, I don't know, I just know it was my WHs responsibly to tell me.

I am doing so much healing work. The last 2 years I have experienced so much trauma in terms of family estrangement, family illness, addressing childhood trauma, dealing with emotionally immature parents and then my WH's historic infidelity...I feel I have been broken into a million pieces. With therapy and self care, I'm slowly gluing those pieces back together and I know this version of me is not going to be as pretty or perfect as the old version, but I I feel I'm making a more authentic me.

Bigger - that sounds like a perfectly good enough example of forgiveness for me. It's like forgiveness with boundaries.